How to Learn to Trust Your Husband Again
This morning time I had a fight with Victor about towels. I can't tell you the details considering it wasn't interesting plenty to certificate at the fourth dimension, but it was basically me telling Victor I needed to buy new bath towels, and Victor insisting that I Non buy towels because I "only bought new towels". Then I pointed out that the concluding towels I'd bought were hot pinkish beach towels, and he was all "EXACTLY" and then I hit my head against the wall for an hr.
And so Laura came to pick me up so nosotros could go to the discount outlet together, and as Victor gave me a kiss bye he lovingly whispered, "You are non allowed to bring whatever more than goddam towels in this house or I will strangle yous". And that was exactly what I was withal echoing through my head an hr later, when Laura and I stopped our shopping carts and stared upward in confused, silent awe at a brandish of enormous metal chickens, fabricated from rusted oil drums.
Laura: I think yous need one of those.
me: Y'all're joking, but they're kind of horrifically crawly.
Laura: I'one thousand not joking. We need to purchase you 1.
me: The 5-foot tall one was $300, marked down to $100. That'south like, $200 worth of cravenfor gratuitous.
Laura: You'd be crazy non to buy that. I mean, look at it. Information technology'S Total OF WHIMSY.
me: Victor'd be pissed.
Laura: Yup.
me: But on the plus side? It'due south non towels.
Laura: Yup.
me: We volition name him Henry. Or Charlie. Or O'Shannesy.
Laura: Or Beyoncé.
me:Or Beyoncé. Yeah. And when our friends are sad we tin can go out him at their front door to cheer them upwardly.
Laura:Exactly. Information technology'll be like, "You lot thought *yesterday* was bad? Well, at present you lot have a enormous metal craven to bargain with. Perspective.Now you have it."
Then nosotros flagged downwardly a salesman, and we were all "What can you tell us about these chickens?", as if we were in an art gallery, and not in a store that specializes in concluding years' bathmats. He didn't know anything nigh them, but he said that they'd only simply sold i and information technology was to a really drunk lady, and and then Laura and I were all "SOLD. All this craven belongs to us now."
So he loaded it onto a trolley, but Beyoncé was surprisingly unstable, and the giant 5 foot metal chicken crashed over onto the floor. And Laura and I were all "Craven Downward! CLEAN-UP IN Aisle 3" but he didn't express joy. Then the managing director came to meet what was causing all the commotion, and that's when he found the very-conservative salesman unhappily struggling to right an enthusiastically pointy chicken which was near as tall as he was. The salesman was having a difficult time, and he told everyone to stand back "because this craven will cutting you", and at start I thought he meant it every bit a threat, like "That chicken has a shiv", but turns out he merely meant that all the chickens' ends were sharp and rusty. It was awesome, and Laura and I agreed that even if we got tetanus, this chicken had already paid for himself even before nosotros got it in her truck.
Then nosotros got to my business firm and quietly snuck the chicken upwardly to my forepart door, rang the doorbell, and hid around the corner.
Victor opened the door and looked at the craven in stunned silence for about 3 seconds. So he sighed, airtight the door and walked away.
Laura: What the fuck?That's it? That'southward the just reaction we get?
me:That'south it. He'southward a hard man to rattle.
Victor was surprisingly pissed that I'd "wasted coin" on an enormous chicken, because apparently he couldn't appreciate the hysterical value of a five human foot craven ringing the doorbell. Then I said, "Well, at least it'southward not towels" and apparently that was the wrong thing to say because that's when Victor screamed and stormed off, but I knew he was locked in his office because I could hear him punching things in in that location. Then I yelled through his door, "Information technology'due south an anniversary souvenir for yous, asshole. Two whole weeks early. 15 YEARS IS Big METAL CHICKENS."
Then he yelled that he wanted it gone, but I couldn't motility it myself, so instead I said okay and went to watch idiot box. And so when the UPS guy came I hid, but he was all "Dude. Nice chicken" and Victor yelled, "It IS NOT A NICE CHICKEN". Which was probably very confusing to the UPS guy, who was just trying to be polite, Victor. Victor seemed more disgruntled than usual, and so I finally dragged the chicken into the backyard and wedged it into a clump of trees and then that information technology could scare the snakes away. Then I came in and Victor angrily pulled me into his part then that I could see that I'd stationed Beyoncé straight in front of his only window. And I was all "Exactly. Yous'RE WELCOME." I told him that he could movement Beyoncé if he wanted to, but he totally hasn't. Probably considering of all of the behemothic rocks I piled on Beyonce'due south anxiety to dissuade burglars. Or possibly because Beyoncé is growing on him. Still, I tin can't assistance but call back that nosotros wouldn't even exist having this argument if Beyoncé was towels. Honestly, this whole chicken is actually a lesson in picking your battles more advisedly. Plus, he'due south crawly and I can't end giggling every time I look at him. Beyoncé, that is.
Best. 15th ceremony. ever.
UPDATED 2012: It'due south been half a year and people however continue to laugh, scream indignantly and to ask questions, so here are a few follow-ups. Victor and I are all the same (of course) happily married and later a few weeks he got over his giant rooster aversion. Beyonce stares at him from outside his office window. I eventually got new towels. "Knock-knock, motherfucker" is embroidered on all of them. Victor was not impressed. Beyonce-the-giant-metal-chicken at present has her own Facebook folio with over xxx,000 highly imaginative fans, and you can purchase your own travel-sized Beyonce right here for under $20. You're welcome earth. Now delight finish yelling at me.
Source: https://thebloggess.com/2011/06/21/and-thats-why-you-should-learn-to-pick-your-battles/
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